first up.. no.. im not back. I havent felt the desire to draw or even be creative in years and i no longer care to force it. The results speak for themselves.

I logged in today to comment on a user page i found interesting, and figured I'd leave this journal in place of my last.

How am i? Fucked.. im on the next grade of anti depressants and even though its helping i just dont see the damn point.

I was told rather brazenly the other day that i should just do what i want.. its not THAT hard.. its easy, i should just be able to go and do what i want.

So i had a think. What do i want.. and the recurring theme, is that I want to be dead. Do I want to kill myself? no.. I just want to be gone.

And right now im just thinking, my parents will never see this page. They will never know how I had to draw in secret, afraid i'd be labelled gay or a pervert for drawing girls or female themed pictures.

They will not have known how i struggled to find any of my artistic side after having it all repressed, nor will they appreciate any of the things i have created, as they should be.

Pathetic? Yes.. perhaps I am.. caring that much of a parents view. They are older than me, will die of old age before i do. But still.. I am trapped this way, and in many other ways. I could blame being brought up ignored.. when as an extremely shy kid i probably needed otherwise. I could blame my sister, the extrovert; for soaking up all the attention with her misbehaviour.

She does amaze me.. behaving like a tyrant.. and yet she has some sort of charm beneath that loud shrill voiced monster that has people smiling and wanting her around..

I was the good child, and as such, if i step out of line it is noticed about 5 times as much as my sister. If i am angry, it must remain inside because people refuse my anger or hurt. I am the good child. The meek one. I am not allowed to be bad.

The flip side of this; if my sister and i did a task of equal virtue, it would be considered the normal for me and yet my sister would be praised.

Right now this is working against me, im sinking in to depression and getting worse at everyday things. I just dont care, dont have the energy. My sister has hooked up with some new BF and is using it to better herself.. about bloody time.. i just hope it isnt a farce.

My parents just put her further and further ahead of me.. despite my years of helping this family. I am drowning. I told them. They do not understand.

My friends from school have all abandoned me, they dont bother calling or even messaging on msn. I dont get invites to anything. My friends in general i cannot trust.. since two falling outs with close people i have been unable to trust anyone. And now ive had further close friends mistreat me.

So I am alone, and I want to be gone. Will this page be all that is left?